A Father's Regret

Our lives can be full of regrets. Of all my regrets, I can’t think of a single one that wasn’t born of a poor decision. Perhaps there are a few. But I suppose they’re only regrets if we had the power to avoid it at the time. Anything outside of our real of ability couldn’t really produce regrets.

These days, I’m plagued by a certain type. Regrets that I’ve generated through poor decision making as a father are rushing through the flood gates. Thankfully, they aren’t causing depression, though I believe Jesus to be helping me with that, but they are at the forefront of my mind.

What’s causing this? I am a single father of four kids. I have three boys and one girl. The children that I’ve sired in my failed marriage, and quite frankly acquired through the same, will soon leave to be with their mother. With the coming departure of my children rapidly approaching, I’ve been reflecting on the past in a sort of involuntary mental reaction. A sort of reflex, if you will, where in my mind reflects on the past.

Three kids. Three separate sub-directories of regret. The eldest: his mother introduced me to him at the age of three. I could see then that he was a very smart kid. To this day, he displays a level of intellect that I’ve yet to see in other kids his age. The youngest: the spitting image of myself and a veritable genius when it comes to his school work. Alas, his eight-year-old mind is concerned only with playing. And my daughter: the middle child of my failed marriage and my crowning jewel.

Will they remember my short comings and hold them against me when they become adults? Have I taken away an advantage by falling sort of the mark? When it’s all said and done, did I fail them? I am hounded by these questions as I watch them sleep at night. I’m running out of time. Soon they won’t be within arms reach.

I suppose it’s the geographical distance that will be between us, making for little opportunity to be with them, that’s bringing all this up. But, I will have opportunities. And I’m comforted by the fact that I will make every effort within my power to see those great kids of mine face to face. Communicate with them on a regular basis so as to let them know that a thousand miles isn’t enough to stifle my love for them.

Thankfully, I will have my first offspring with me a bit longer than the rest. My second oldest, slash, first born. When he goes to be with his mom, he’ll never be more than a couple of hours away.

A father’s regret is probably the worst feeling of all the regrets I have. However, I thank the Lord that I’m able to feel it. Four wonderful kids have graced me with their presence. I owe them everything. They’ve become my life. I’m proud to be their Dad and welcome the regret. If I had it to do over again, I don’t think I’d change a thing for fear that I might not have these same kids.

Lexy, Alex, X-Man, and Superman; I love you all very much. You all are the reason I sacrifice with a willing heart. You all make me proud and I know you all will continue to do so. Go, X-Kids!