Revelation

No, I haven't forgotten about my blog, I just have so much to say that I couldn't figure out how I wanted to present it all. However, I've picked one subject to talk about that may open the door to other subjects being addressed in this blog.

In the first week of this new year, I have attended the usual services at my church plus a fellowship meeting in Azusa. All the messages were the same, and just about taken from the same text of the Bible. Now I don't mean the same as in "the same sermon", but rather as in "the same message." It was about leaving the past in the past and moving on in Christ to obtain the ultimate goal. That is, to make it to heaven.

It stuck with me, those messages, because immediately I thought of my inability to let go of the past hardships I had to endure with my ex. They were hardships that I felt were caused by my ex. I understood that I had a problem letting go of that garbage, but couldn't figure out why. Then, something came to me. It may have been a something that would shed light on my problem, or a something that would help free me all together from it. I just knew for sure that it was connected in some way and was triggered by my desire to let go of the past.

I posted an earlier poem called "This isn't my closet." It was my attempt to hint to you all that my ex was... not that good of a spouse. I wanted pitty and alliances that would side with me and exclaim their undying hatred towards my ex for what she had done to me. However, when I thought of the poem I was reminded of it's last line.
"I suppose I could just keep the door closed."
I realized just then that the poem was more of a testimony of my bitterness and refusal to let the past go. I felt extremely petty after that.

Thus, I must make this statement: I was no better a husband than she was a wife. In fact, I may have been a much worse husband than she was a wife. Love is more than flowers, words, and sexual actions. Love is taking care of your family. A responsibility she felt belonged to her since I place lazyness ahead of my husbandly duties. The Bible states that men such as I WAS are worse than infidels. No such thing is said about adultry. Is it because if a man does right by his family, his wife wouldn't have reason to seek love from another man? I'd imagine it's hard for a woman to love a man that won't be a man, though her husband he may be. The stupid thing of it all is that I still can't forgive her of the unfaithful acts I FORCED her to! Now is that all messed up, or what.

I'm rather cold to her on the phone. I rather not talk to her or her new husband. She was struggling with him in their marriage in the beginning, and that made me feel good, though I know that's a sin. Now they are prospering and it makes me jealous as he... can be.

I say to myself: "She never loved me. No one can do to someone they love what she did to me." Yet, I have to admit my lack of love for her and my children for what I DIDN'T do.

Sometime I wonder if I'd be much easier for her to deal with if I had a wife.

A few days ago, my son's mother (not my ex) asked how specific one should be when praying for a spouse. I gave her an answer that I believe she accepted. But as I lay in bed last night, thinking about the a specific type of woman to pray for, I came up blank. I have too general a range and so far, the women I want aren't or may not be saved. I don't prefer a race accept to say that I don't really want a black wife (not that they have problems, but that I want something different). The only real preferences that I have is that I want her to be kind of short, stacked, a spiritual juggernaught, and a freak behind closed doors (plenty of long har to boot). But sometime I wonder whether or not I'd really prefer my next wife to favor my ex (minus the selfishness of course-oops, there I go again).

If there are any God fearing men and women out there, I ask you all to pray for me. Pray that I leave the past behind. Pray that I stop holding my ex responsible for something she had no power over. Pray that I display to her true Christianity for once in my miserale life.

I have more to write. Much more. But it seems unappropriate to write of them now. Drop by tomorrow. I may have a posting up. 'Til then.

P.S. If all is honorable in the marriage bed, and the marriage bed undefiled, does that mean bondage in sex is okay? ;)