Keepin' ya updated.

The short story I told you I was working on isn't coming together too well in my head. That is due largely to the fact that none of the voices in my head can agree on the direction the story should go. Thus, the project has been shelfed pending scraping.

Now, what is the last thing you would expect a black man who claims to be to Christian say? Need a hint? Okay, it has to do with a movie.
Give up? Then hold on to something. The answer may knock you down.
I like the Kevin Smith movie Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back.
I know, I know, it's a shocker. It's a movie that couldn't hope to appeal to anyone other than white males (very young adults) and loaded with verbal vulgarities. Definately not a movie for a Christian to watch. "So why did you watch it," one would ask. Quite simple: I've been a fan of Kevin Smith and his characters Jay and Silent Bob ever since Clerks. (Though Dogma may have been the most God-Mocking movie ever.)
Needless to say, I felt as though I needed to be exorcised then baptised after watching Jay and Silent Bob (and Dogma). But would you believe it: I laughed through the entire movie. The movie had me in stitches (what does that mean anyway? If anyone knows the answer, to be in stitches, let me know).

On to more pressing matters. It has come to my attention that the word sex, whether it be a word by itself or part of a larger word, is attached to some sort of link when I post a blog containing the aforementioned. What's more, it appears to be the only word. I assure you, this is not my doing, but rather an automated action put in place by the host of Blogger (or so I assume, and you know what they say about assuming). Any who, you've all been warned. If you visit my blog, click on a "sex" link, and something crazy like naked women pop up on to your desktop (regardless of your efforts to delete them) while your parents are over at your place drinking coffee with you, then you'll have no one to blame but yourself. When your mother turns beet red while your father suddenly becomes very frisky and flirty with your mother right in front of you, think to yourself "well, no one told me to click on that "sex" link."

And finally, I feel the need to do something that I may have already done but in my ripe old age of a-month-and-a-half-shy-of-31 forgot about it. I will clear the names in my book of resentment all those who don't really belong in said book. These are people I've blamed for my hard times in the past. People who really tried to help at such times. The spelling my be wrong, but it's not like any of you know these people.

And they are, in no particular order:
Tom McCabe
Benny, the finance manager of the car lot Tom McCabe works for
At-the-time SSg Andrew Linn (or was it Lind?)
At-the-time SSg John D. Gray (I gave him the hardest time of all)
and At-the-time SFC Malard.

Big ups to y'all for trying to help me. I appologize for putting you all through my problems. If your name isn't up there, it's not because you were at fault, but because you either weren't involved or were absolutely of no help to me what-so-ever. For example: the squad leader and chief warrent officer I was under when I left the Army weren't the cause of my problems, but were absolutely worthless in that I received no support from them when I needed the help and asked for it. In fact, my squad leader was more interested in writing up counseling statements and getting me chaptered than helping me out. but then again, he never really believed I had a medical problem anyway. Beside that, he felt all he should have to do is give orders and perform uniform inspections. He wanted all his soldiers to be self maintaining, needing nothing from him. One thing I can say about him though, he was very good about rolling up his sleves and picking up a wrench. But as a Christian, I shouldn't dwell on the worthlessness of the Warrent Officer, or the lack of concern from the squadleader, so I'll just let it go. :)

I'm at work and I'd better get back to it. Just ignore the spelling errors.
'Til next time.

When Good Anime Ends Bad.

I love anime cartoons for two reasons. First, you just can't beat the art work and animations used by the Japanese. Second, the cartoons are a series, often more than twenty, rolled into one big story. Every single episode is connected in progression.
I recently saw the final episode of a cartoon called Full Metal Alchemist. Talk about a fantastic story. Not just a fantastic story, but fantastic characters.
Two brothers, one year apart, expierence an accident at a young age when they try to revive their passed mother. the elder looses his arm and leg, while the younger looses his entire body, though the elder was able to "bind" his younger brother's soul to a suit of armor. (I know, not exactly a cartoon a Christian would watch.) Through the entire 51 episode series, the brother's, with the aid of friends and allies along the way, work hard to help eachother gain what they'd lost. The elder, Eric, works to restore his brother's body while the younger, Alfonse, works to restore his brother's leg and arm.
In the end, Alfonse get's his body back and Eric winds up in another world seperate from Alfonse.
The end is what really upset me. I wanted the brothers to celebrate a happy ending. Instead, Eric get's his arm and leg back thanks to his brother's sacrafice. He is successful in returning Alfonse to their world in his original body, but disappears to another world himself with his original metalic arm and leg. Atleast all the bad guys got their just rewards. And after a day or two to think it over and re-watching the ending once or twice, I started thinking "those two boys are so determined to see eachother again that they'll do just that." Which is kinda pathetic because all I'm doin' is creating my own meaning to a disappointing ending in an effort to feel better about it. Even so, it would probably take them another four years to see eachother again.
The only other horrible ending to a successful run was Cowboy Bebop, when Spike dies in the very last show. Now, I've never seen the movie, so I don't know anything about that, but I was rather raw toward that show for a week or more. I'll probably be that way towards Full Metal Alchemist for just as long if not longer.

Any way, I'm working on a brand new short story, but I'm still trying to get the details straight in my head. Pray for me, will y'all?

The other day, I ran accross a web site that was quite humorus to me. I find that I share much of the same views as the author of the site. Check it out.
http://artihate.jinwicked.com

'Til next time.

Revelation

No, I haven't forgotten about my blog, I just have so much to say that I couldn't figure out how I wanted to present it all. However, I've picked one subject to talk about that may open the door to other subjects being addressed in this blog.

In the first week of this new year, I have attended the usual services at my church plus a fellowship meeting in Azusa. All the messages were the same, and just about taken from the same text of the Bible. Now I don't mean the same as in "the same sermon", but rather as in "the same message." It was about leaving the past in the past and moving on in Christ to obtain the ultimate goal. That is, to make it to heaven.

It stuck with me, those messages, because immediately I thought of my inability to let go of the past hardships I had to endure with my ex. They were hardships that I felt were caused by my ex. I understood that I had a problem letting go of that garbage, but couldn't figure out why. Then, something came to me. It may have been a something that would shed light on my problem, or a something that would help free me all together from it. I just knew for sure that it was connected in some way and was triggered by my desire to let go of the past.

I posted an earlier poem called "This isn't my closet." It was my attempt to hint to you all that my ex was... not that good of a spouse. I wanted pitty and alliances that would side with me and exclaim their undying hatred towards my ex for what she had done to me. However, when I thought of the poem I was reminded of it's last line.
"I suppose I could just keep the door closed."
I realized just then that the poem was more of a testimony of my bitterness and refusal to let the past go. I felt extremely petty after that.

Thus, I must make this statement: I was no better a husband than she was a wife. In fact, I may have been a much worse husband than she was a wife. Love is more than flowers, words, and sexual actions. Love is taking care of your family. A responsibility she felt belonged to her since I place lazyness ahead of my husbandly duties. The Bible states that men such as I WAS are worse than infidels. No such thing is said about adultry. Is it because if a man does right by his family, his wife wouldn't have reason to seek love from another man? I'd imagine it's hard for a woman to love a man that won't be a man, though her husband he may be. The stupid thing of it all is that I still can't forgive her of the unfaithful acts I FORCED her to! Now is that all messed up, or what.

I'm rather cold to her on the phone. I rather not talk to her or her new husband. She was struggling with him in their marriage in the beginning, and that made me feel good, though I know that's a sin. Now they are prospering and it makes me jealous as he... can be.

I say to myself: "She never loved me. No one can do to someone they love what she did to me." Yet, I have to admit my lack of love for her and my children for what I DIDN'T do.

Sometime I wonder if I'd be much easier for her to deal with if I had a wife.

A few days ago, my son's mother (not my ex) asked how specific one should be when praying for a spouse. I gave her an answer that I believe she accepted. But as I lay in bed last night, thinking about the a specific type of woman to pray for, I came up blank. I have too general a range and so far, the women I want aren't or may not be saved. I don't prefer a race accept to say that I don't really want a black wife (not that they have problems, but that I want something different). The only real preferences that I have is that I want her to be kind of short, stacked, a spiritual juggernaught, and a freak behind closed doors (plenty of long har to boot). But sometime I wonder whether or not I'd really prefer my next wife to favor my ex (minus the selfishness of course-oops, there I go again).

If there are any God fearing men and women out there, I ask you all to pray for me. Pray that I leave the past behind. Pray that I stop holding my ex responsible for something she had no power over. Pray that I display to her true Christianity for once in my miserale life.

I have more to write. Much more. But it seems unappropriate to write of them now. Drop by tomorrow. I may have a posting up. 'Til then.

P.S. If all is honorable in the marriage bed, and the marriage bed undefiled, does that mean bondage in sex is okay? ;)